During my self-study today, I printed all 78 of my remaining outcomes. However, I didn't use all of these as seeing them printed (on 4x6 gloss photo paper) allowed me to see which images worked better than others. I created a few new collages, joining forms and colours and added them to my outcomes book.

I had been working at removing components of my images to break the traditional form of a rectangle and see whether removing or separating components of images made them more interesting. I did this to a few of my images, I also cropped a few of my photographs into squares- this reminded me of what I expect my medium format to appear like when it has been developed. Before I would attach these images into my outcome book I mounted them to the wall to see the most effective compositions, at this point in the project what I have been developing most is my approach to presentation. 

I've also realised that 50mm lens are my favourite because they are slightly more intimate than reality and it allows for a shallow depth of field which means you can select details like a singular finger or even a ring and annunciate them more. This is something I want to keep in mind with lens usage in future, especially considering when I want to get even closer I simply use a telescopic lens extension to my 50mm and never really use any of my other lens.

Another, almost concluding realisation I have had is that I open up so quickly to people. This is why I have a desire to know people as well as I am willing to let people know me. In losing Adam, I became even more obsessed with documenting life, but specifically the intimate, I have realised part of my images success most probably lie in their ability to show a window into a relationship between the photographer and the sitter.

Using a blank sketchbook I have begun mounting my photographical outcomes rather than uploading them all to workflow considering they are printed on gloss paper and photograph poorly. I also have around 30-40 collaged and individual photographical outcomes I want to have within my assessment and feel visualising them in a physical form is comparable to a photo-album or photographical book. I took care to mount them centrally, seeing as my last attempt at mounting on my portfolio was so poor, seeing as I have very average attention to detail.

I had brought in all of my sketchbooks for part 3 into the studio and began flipping through my early work in search of outcomes, I found 3 images I felt were worth including in my outcomes book (the outcomes book exclusively shows my photographical outcomes rather than my early contraptions. This separates my photography and contraptions nicely as I have had so many issues with image ownership on my behalf and feel their separation shows the successes of my work in a more refined way), seeing these early photos (a substantial amount of my most successful work was made towards the latter end of part 3 due to my increased knowledge of what I wanted to capture, trial and error and photographical knowledge) amongst my more recent outcomes was interesting as they were early 'gems' which hold the same success as my latter work, before however, there was just fewer of them.

I spent time cleaning up my sketchbooks and cutting out the instillation images for some of my outcomes (such as hanging photographs on a line as inspired by Atul Dodiya in Meditation (with eyes open), 2011 which is at the Tate Modern. Along with the curved edges I added to a Diptych of photos of my sisters hands (one focusing on my mothers ring and another on a thrifted gold watch) which leant gently on a white shelf relatively low to the ground. This work required documentation as its presentation was equally as important as the photos themselves and elevated the images success.

The fragility and delicacy of the images reminds me of the temporary nature of film, more specifically of a moment. My sister had come to visit me in London over Easter, I see very little of her for months on end but when we are together we are so close, one of the first things I noticed when I saw her was that she was wearing a ring. More specifically a ring my father gave my mother. I am interested in the future at looking into the physical placement of jewellery next to my photographs as many of my images hinge on the individual details of a person in defining their appearance and the significance of those objects (I heard a podcast called Objects of Desire that spoke a lot about significance and loving objects and it really resonates with the idea of individual possessions having meaning beyond the physical). 

The reason my image of hands (my final work shown in Lethaby is also my final work for part 3) is so successful is the scale. I spoke about creating intimate moments in my PPP, or rather documenting them and over my time in London I have grown so close to so many people. I spoke in an earlier reflection about how my first photos taken in Australia over December were successful because I already had established intimate relationships with my family and about how this has seemed to be strongly connected to the strength of my images even now as my relationships have reached a point I feel I am honestly capturing/ documenting the most significant moments to me. I have realised this is what I want to share with the viewer.

In terms of my sexuality, of recent I feel I am fully embodying myself as I haven't before in being open with my family and not just my friends I have felt so much less restricted in my practise. The intimate moments I am capturing (especially that of hands) almost always show hands preoccupied, I have come to realise I believe this shows so much about the ambience in the space the photograph was taken and for that matter the person themselves. I notice not only the gesture of hands but also the individualities of them, the strength of my large hand image lies in the tiny yellow finger nail, and the gentle resting of her hand on moss. It feels intimate because the photograph (in my opinion) directly translates the intimacy of that moment. My least successful images are the ones I actively looked for when I just wanted to take a photo, rather than waiting for the right moment or asking someone to pause at a point of interest rather than wasting film on their movements after. The same reason the photographs of my sisters hands are successful are the small details in her jewellery and the gentle resting of her hands over one another.

I have reached a point where I feel I have almost entirely resolved the concerns within my PPP. The section I feel least resolved within is that of the guilt attached to the loss of my best friend. However, as I am writing this I have realised I no longer have the attached guilt of having dated someone who passed away only to realise I am queer and that I may have denied him of something within myself. This feels significant to my work because I have realised it was not essential to my outcomes to visualise this, it was a resolution I needed within myself to embrace my current identity in order to create my body of work even through it doesn't explicitly state my sexuality.

I feel that if part 3 was longer (perhaps I can continue with this after foundation) I would have looked into the individualities of hands and people in objects, specifically- jewellery, this way I might have fully combined the concepts of guilt and identity within the greater concept of intimacy as I wear a necklace always that I had given Adam before he died. I wear 2, one was his and one was mine. I feel if I was able to add my necklace into a staged shoot I may be able to tie these components all together, however, at this point in time I am happy with my current resolution. 

I intentionally chose to leave the imperfections in my hand print, I chose to rescan the negative to remove some of the detritus but I also chose not to continue to refine the image to a point where the detritus was filly removed. I chose for the image to remain imperfect because it is one of the qualities I love about film. Shooting on 400 means that there is a level of grain that will always be present and there will be imperfections in colour and forms that I can't remove without heavy photoshop what would make the image less honest in my mind. Since the original negative was cut short, I chose to keep the dimensions of the 35mm negative in the scan, I didn't like how it appeared when cropped and chose to keep the line of yellowish red along the side. I feel it contributes to the image, the very nature of me having to rescan it myself since the developers missed it resembles the temporary nature of these moments.

After reading my camera manual, I learned that depressing my shutter halfway locks the light meter, meaning to get a deeper black point (or density) I would need to depress on my lighter subject. This alone has allowed a much higher contrast on my photos and allowed for more saturated images. A main concern of my PPP was learning more about film photography and this feels like significant break-through as the contrast I would like to achieve in my images is now possible without fluke.

I have uploaded the significant pages to my research along with the notes I made from the manual for future reference.

This morning I came in with my 5 rolls of printed and developed film. They were in standard photo size on gloss paper. Using masking tape, I began connecting lines, forms and colours to create collaged photos. I also set about creating diptychs. My collaged photos in particular reminded classmates of mine of David Hockney's 'joiners', which I would defiantly agree with as they are also made up of somewhat aligning images to make a whole. Like a patchwork panorama. I made around 14/15  final outcomes from this.

I separated each image to give it room to breathe, in the past I am aware my presentation has been lacking. I often struggle with the final push the most, deciding what height, size, colour and placement is very new to me and is something I am actively trying to work on for the final week of this project. This started by curving the corners of photographs as I have seen on found images and it instantly gave the photographs an aged quality, especially when sat on the shaving as it appeared resemblant of a mantle piece. and installing a shelf (which I painted white) on the lower section of my wall. After speaking to Hannah she informed me that lower set images at statistically looked at longer. I have also looked into ordering picture corners so I can hang my print to the wall without putting nails through it and directly taking inspiration from past photo albums.

I curved the edges of the photos to mimic found images I have, this instantly added a nostalgic, dated quality to the images and my tutor highlighted it appeared like super 8 films, a medium I am eager to work with in the future. I have noticed the sitters in my work are mostly women of recent, this reminded me of Hannah Starkey taking images of women in her practise, she also only shows her sitters faces through reflections, I have noticed I will photograph someones hands and leave the rest of the person to the imagination of time sitter.

I am enjoying working on a smaller scale, especially when I am able to connect enough photos they fill the area of an A4 sheet and still break traditional rectangular/ square boundaries of photographs.

My photos seem to come out better when I'm happy and I'm close with people, this is obvious in my outcomes. When I was in Australia my photos were close, as my relationships grow closer in London so do my photos. I have achieved my PPP. The more I feel I am growing interpersonal relationships the less of my role is consumed with my own explorations of London on self-study days and the more with people I spend time with. Furthermore, the acceptance of my identity as a queer person feels to have come full circle my photos feel more honest, despite the photos I take not directly surrounding my sexuality, a major component of my PPP was exploring this (relatively) newly found component of myself and exploring how this effects relationships around me. I have found my most effective photos to be from the Easter break, these were the 5 rolls I was working with today. This is primarily because my family visited me and we are at a point where it is no longer remotely uncomfortable in conversation for any of us which has made me more comfortable to shoot photos (in combination with my parents increasing understanding for why I chose to shoot on film) on film around them. I have been continuing to carry my camera with me every day and I have read and analysed my camera manual for my Konica TC Autoreflex, which has contributed to my love for the medium. Something I wanted to learn more about through part 3 was film photography and I feel I have done that. Initially I was more focused on learning about 35mm, but as I have bought more and more cameras (from sprocket shooting on 127 cameras, medium format brownies, point and shoots, panoramas and another 35mm SLR) I am reading and watching more content on how to use them properly. Simple things like understanding the speed a photo is taken at effects blur and whether it will be properly exposed and how to shoot low speed rolls at night by using a tripod to compensate for blur (something I am yet to try with film). Understanding exposure has been particularly helpful in minimising the nostalgic colours that comes with underexposed images, which at first seems interesting but the more I am able to remove this effect the more saturated my pictures become and the less they appear amateur.

Seeing my photos all together in chronological order has allowed me to appreciate the progression I have made and more wholly acknowledge the success of many of my images as opposed to doubting their success and trying to over complicate my work with contraptions to make up for it. This is an extremely exciting revelation for me, it has allowed me to feel far more justified in my outcomes ad practise as a whole.

I decided on my final piece being the A0 print of hands, I thought to use photo corners to hold up my work but due to the scale of the image, it became apparent it will bow from the weight of the print and sag in the middle. I plan to also put up 2 curved edge images of hands (my sisters) on a white shelf.

I also experimented with cutting out sections of photos more, spreading the images out or removing sections altogether, breaking up the composition and time it takes to absorb the image. The further I spread the image across the longer it takes to piece together.

I received 5 rolls of film back, when shot the exposures were correct but the photos aren't as rich as I've hoped, either my AE (auto exposure)/ manual exposure (I alternated) is incorrect or the photos have been unexposed, I am going to rescan them and see the results. Or, the speed of the film (400) wasn't suited to the sunny conditions which explains why the 200 preformed so well.

I am planning on creating diptychs and triptychs (inspired by the work of Joanna Piotrowska) tomorrow in class as my main focus from this point on is presentation, I also intent to shoot some photos on my digital camera and perhaps even shoot a few videos. I think it would be interesting to video what I would usually photo then slow it down dramatically.

My interest in black and white photography has also grown substantially since seeing the work of Joanna Piotrowska in her exhibit at Tate Britain, All Our False Devices. I had previously seen Don McCullin's Work at Tate Britain and found it to have a very documentative, journalistic style. It was very harsh and real world and a majority of the perspectives and stances he took when taking photos gave a lot of information into the times they were taken and the places. In contrast, what I most enjoyed about Piotrowska's work was the forms and shapes she would create with the bodies in her work, even the choice of dark or light clothing seemed down to design as they would compliment the other photo in the dyptics perfectly. She also managed to project 16mm film in colour without having to hide the projector, but rather incorporating it into the landscape of the room without deducting from the work, if anything, the projector celebrated and elevated the works further. Something I have often disliked about black and white photography is the approach people take towards it, especially high school introductions into digital shooting and being told that black and white photography always added drama because of image density being more pronounced in monochrome. I disagree with this, I feel my perspective towards black and white film has changed in seeing someone show work that didn't demand the attention and flamboyance of many high contrast black and white images. What felt more significant to her work was the coloured frames and coloured carpet used, this is something I have begun experimenting with myself. I have been isolating my images and placing them against coloured background to see the effect, however, since I have been shooting in colour this often clashes with the images. I converted my hand image to black and white and tried it against colour and it felt far more successful, however, I feel in future (whether in part 3 or after due to time restraints and black and white film costing far more to develop than colour film) I should shoot in black and white and see what images I produce. I have already gone ahead and ordered black and white 120 film for my medium format cameras for the time being.

Cutting out sections of my photographs (inspired by a cinema annual from the '50s in which the previous owner cut out a section of a double-sided page, leaving the full page print on the reverse without a large section of its corner) which were ambiguous or uninteresting was my main breakthrough for the day. For more ambiguous and interesting sections of the image I separated them across the wall more, where as the uninteresting I removed. This lead me to give the images more of a narrative as spoken about in Ways of Seeing, in which video is described as having a timed element that exposes and gives the editor power in ways to which the shots are revealed. By spreading my images from left to right it takes longer for the images to be pieced together. 

I have realised I am at a point where I need a new sketchbook since I have finished it today.

I had an idea to cut out sections of my photos to make diptychs by putting details to the side of the image. Inspired by my copy of Picture Show Annual which has a cut out from a page from the previous owner, however the image still looked successful with the removed section.

I wonder whether it would be possible to give the image narration by showing (for example) what appears innocent then giving the more sinister section afterwards, so the meaning of the image changes as you view it. This seems to point to the fact the next obvious movement in my work is towards film. I also wonder if I was to spread sections of the image onto opposite walls what the effect would be on the image.

I was watching my classmate work with plastic and seeing the shapes of her hands behind makes me wonder the possibility of working with plastic in my photos to add a level of ambiguity.

In the book Touch by David J. Linden, there is an experiment detailed in which two volunteers would sit on either side of a curtain wall. One volunteer would put their arm through an opening on the curtain up until their elbow, neither person saw one another. Then, the other volunteer would be asked to communicate an emotion though touching the exposed arm. What I found very interesting about this experiment, is that emotions such as affection and love were primarily understood (all prosocial emotions) without the aid of another sense (the purpose of the experiment was to establish whether touch was reliant on other senses to decode emotions) however, self-focused emotions such as pride were not. I had the idea to reenact this, however after speaking to my tutor she highlighted that reconstructing an already successful experiment might provide for interesting photographical opportunities but at this point in the project may be too late. However this did me think it would be interesting to experiment with silent film, if touch isn't dependant on sound/ hearing, then why would the films I make need them? My work seems natural to move to cinema after the still image so I can see this being a further development. I also feel it would draw more attention to the action of touch as a whole.

So, instead I hung the bed sheet cover from my first staged photography experiment over a wall and asked my friends to interact with each others hands, the images I took became more interesting when one of my peers asked to crack the others knuckles, I realised in this moment the compositions that seem most successful are often splayed fingers interacting gesturally with other people or objects. I can almost categorise all of my most favourite or most successful images into this category. This also means it is now easier for me to stage photographs whilst keeping the natural element (perhaps even appearing candid as in Hannah Starkey's work) at a higher success rate. Perviously I already felt I knew what colours and era's I would like to recreate and I was able to create sets as I wished, however the images didn't deliver the way I wished. The unpredictable element of people in asking them to respond to my request of "just interact with each others hands" made the outcomes more exciting. 

During our first class back following the break, I began scanning my negative again. When I had my roll developed at Snappy Snaps, the staff cut the roll early, hence I couldn't get the scan for the image I most wanted. After speaking with David, we discussed that the reason for this may have been that the gaps between my negatives vary and since Snappy Snaps uses an automatic machine, it may have just been going off generic metering. I spoke about this again to my friend who stated that if the roll is tort, it can become loose which will likely increase the gaps between each negative. Since learning this, I have taken more care to check the film is tight before shooting.

Using the flat bed scanners in the computer lab, I used the scanning interface and specialised 35mm film mount to scan in my negative. This has given me more control over my images than what I have ever had prior. Unlike purchasing scans in addition to development, I am able to work with the developed images from the negative rather than a scan that has pre-determined dimensions. 

I experimented with 52 different scans of the same image of hands. I had also experimented with inverted colours, washes and black and while, however I felt the image was most successful in realistic colour. I was trying to get the colour most accurate to reality as I could remember, this involved heavy manipulation of saturation and warmth. Eventually when I felt I had the colours in the correct area, I scanned it to the highest quality and began printing it out in various sizes. 

After mounting the image to my wall, I decided that the images strength lay within its upscaling and for this reason I printed it A3 and then split it into 4 components, printed all 4 on a sheet of A3 and made an A1 mock up of the image. This is what I submitted for Lethaby Gallery. However, on the sheet for my Lethaby I wrote it would be printed A0 as the pixel quality of the scan allowed for it and I have never worked that big on a print before. After speaking to several of my tutors I was recommended to experiment with satin paper for my print as it was an ideal mix between the gloss papers I enjoy (many of my family photos are printed on gloss) and matt, something I don't frequently work with but far easier to present without the fear of natural oils from hands imprinting on the print as with gloss paper.

 I was also recommended to remove the excess debris from the image, I hadn't cleaned the negative 35mm tray as well as I should have. So when I come in tomorrow I will rescan the negative for a final time with the perfected colour settings.

Overall, the success of the image lies in its ambiguity. It feels like more than a photograph as it has so many painterly qualities, namely to shallow depth of field which allowed for the eradication of irrelevant details and the slightly more vibrant than reality edit of the colour. 

Today was the first time I utilised the scanning resources in the computer lab. I collected my negatives just earlier that week and Snappy Snaps had cut the negative early and due to the type of scanner they used, were unable to scan the last image on the wall (which was the one I was most sure was successful).

David showed me how to clean out the 35mm trays with a tissue to remove any dust and how the numbers on the sprocket of 35mm film go in ascending directing to the 1, 2, 3, 4... on the scanning tray. He explained that in order to scan a negative you must remove the white backing on the scanner top as it is a transparency and the light needs to pass though both sides. This makes perfect sense when thought about since it is so logical and made obvious why when I had tried to scan it on a regular scanner earlier rather than a flatbed scanner with customisable layout. After you click the tray into place you boot up a program called 'I scanner' which I commented on seeming easy to use, to which David agreed but explained that it also comes with restrictions when you want to do very specific work. He explained the interface and how to select each negative and adjust the colours.

After this I spent the entire day learning the software and playing around with colour variations. I was happy to know that the success of my image was more than just a hunch I had before I had seen it on the screen. Scanning images yourself gives you so much more control than when getting scans done digitally, one issue I have encountered with digital scans being done for you is that you're less likely to ever refer to the negatives (rather just keeping them for emergency) since you already have digital copies but after having done this I have realised especially in the case of a negative being cut short that you have more control over the crop of the image, you can lay the image selection over 2 frames or keep the sprockets in the shot also depending on the effect you desire. This gave me far more control over the particles and general noise and grain of the image which was exciting as I was able to remove and keep as much as I wanted. Noise and grain are qualities of film I have always gravitated towards anyway so really scanning has opened up many new doors for me.

I also had a conversation with David about black and white film and the reason that I haven't been shooting it is because I don't like much of the work other black and white photographers (such as Don McCullin) make as I feel the approach they take towards black and white varies from colour and thus, separates it more from reality where as I am interested in documenting and pausing reality in my photographs. There are a few images I have seen in black and white that I feel are truly real and feel connected to the everyday. David pointed out a lot of it is approach and agreed that there are trends in the way people use black and white as opposed to film, which gave me the idea of buying a variety of film and choosing one at random to see whether my approach to shooting black and white would vary to colour without my knowledge.

The photos of my own hand I took recently failed as the flash was (again) out of sync with the camera. This is something I need to do more reading into.

I organised the A0 printing of my photograph today for its instillation in Lethaby since it was selected. The image that was chosen is my personal favourite image so far, it was reassuring to know that the success of the image was seen by someone besides myself. This is because at the time I took the photograph (and all my personal favourites for that matter) I have often been overcome with positive emotions, thinking back to December when I first really worked with film, all the photographs had been taken around people I truly love. I think this is why people often identity an ethereal (especially in the image of hands) and sometimes loving quality to my work.

I have been consciously trying to work on my presentation skills, printing A0 was a big step in this direction for me and I am now excited about the prospect of potentially being able to print even bigger next year. Seeing my work on a large scale is exciting and it exposes details with the image that can't be appreciated at small scale work. This is because larger scale work of such an intimate nature is like a window into a moment you shouldn't be allowed to see. It reminds me of my favourite movie, Juno, the personal element of the film in showing how she copes with teen pregnancy (along with the wonderfully saturated overhead and intimate shots).

I downloaded my film for Lux also, which was made on my digital camera to phone rig (the digital camera I had bought was so dated that it wasn't able to capture more than a few minutes worth of video and you could only zoom in before you started shooting, so I simply taped it to my phone camera up to the viewfinder so I could zoom in and out freely) and was originally 2 and a half minutes, so I cropped this down to 90 seconds. There was also an issue with how much it had shaken on the full version (from me running around with the rig and the tape loosing over the course of the day) that cropping it down to 90 seconds meant the most shaky portion of the film was removed. The start of the video had also progressively moved in closer, so in cropping it down the most intimate angles are what the film opened with and I believe it was more effective in delivering my concept of intimacy from the get go.

At the point in time much of the difficulties and failures in my work are arising around my difficulty with image ownership. This is proving more difficult than actually creating the work, which at the heart, is the primary problem. Seeing as photography and the action of composing a photograph is not presenting the typical hardships associated with oil painting, I am having difficulty seeing my work as successful when I feel I have had so little struggle with the most successful images. I am being told my my tutors and my peers that taking a photograph might seem simplistic in action but there is much consideration and learning that goes into composing a successful image subconsciously. I am also aware that my eduction towards photography has often been separate from art and it has always seemed inferior to painting.

I am concerned when I am happy with the images I produce, since I want to create intimate photographs I struggle when I feel success around them as the people I take photos of I care about and therefore probably have unconscious bias towards. For this reason I am trying to separate my opinions from the success of an image because it is unrealistic to rely on someone else reinstating the strength of your photographs after foundation and especially so after university.

Today I painted my hand red after the vision I had of a vibrant red hand, I had already attempted to paint it in reds, purples and greens. The painting itself had some successful qualities in its small scale and tenderness, however it lacked the apparent strength of many of my photographs which is becoming apparent the more I attempt to return to painting/ contraption building. 

I photographed my hand to the best of my memory according to the visual in my head, however, I painted my own hand which was my first mistake, my second mistake was thinking that I would be able to photograph said hand with a camera that requires manual focus, manual film roll and shutter press. This made it difficult to work quickly since I wanted to capture my hand appearing glossy rather than dry. I had shot my hand with the external flash on my camera since the light reading indicated my film wouldn't develop, even on 400.

The breadth of research which informed this video outcome was heavily centred around the understanding of the artist’s fixation upon hands and making gestures. In a broader sense, the physicality of hand gestures in being able to communicate shared emotions such as affection and anxiety.

Today I continued on my concrete sculpture. I feel it is successful since the ripples created by the plastic form look very similar to bedsheets/ fabrics which links rather directly into my project. After speaking with the casting technician, she explained to me that I should use wet sandpaper on the surface of the sculpture to remove the built up clay (I had used clay to fill the gaps around the plastic mould to stop the concrete leaking) and any other imperfections. I knew I was sanding away at the surface when a paste would form, which was something I didn't know about concrete sanding. Once I had got off as much of the clay as possible, I was more happy with the form as the coloured concrete was more visible, it also allowed me to sand down areas of the sculpture that had a different colour just below the surface. The corse edges from the side of the plywood were also less angular after I gave it a rough sand. There are sections of the sculpture that are very smooth, this happened where the concrete came in direct and airless contact with the plastic mould, it almost appear like polish concrete flooring. The ripples and smooth areas of the sculpture feel as if they should be touched, many people who asked me to touch it also remarked that they were surprised it was concrete. These areas I wanted to exacerbate, the sculpture was still very rough and angular to the touch in some areas. Again, I spoke to the technician about how I could make the surfaces smoother to the touch, she suggested a varnish or PVA glue, I expressed that I felt this would be too glossy for what I was going for and that I was only in need of something that would pronounce the mixed colours of the concrete every so slightly more. She suggested a clear or natural wax, I applied it with a cloth and gloves, it was very hard to work into the small grooves that are smaller than my fingers, I need to clean up the sculpture again later with a toothbrush to make the wax coating more equal. After 30 minutes I buffered it off with another cloth, this pronounced the colours somewhat more, though, it kept the natural qualities of the concrete. The base of the sculpture is uneven which is annoying when you interact with the form, I could add another base however I feel this will take away from the form as a whole, also, it is already very heavy.

What I am most interested in with this experiment is that I managed to make something 2D into something 3D. The plastic form I worked with is a sheet, I simply heated it with a heat gun to reform the shape, pushing down on the malleable corner to create a fold, then continued to do so back and forth. Though this work looks dramatically different to that of my other work, what connects it is its rooting in the 2D. Another of its more successful qualities is the element of humanistic construction, there are sections of the sculpture that hold my fingerprint, feeling relevant to the topic of intimacy and hands I am exploring. I am not sure how to present my sculpture yet as it is the first time I have made anything like this and for that reason I will be moving it around next week and taking photos of different locations to see what works best.

Today I also got back another 3 rolls of film, however, one of them came back blank. When my current roll is finished I will take off my lens and check whether there is any issues with my camera as this is the second time it has happened. There are several images in the rolls which are very rich in colour and have an interesting composition. I once again am having issues with my flash, I had checked my flash was correctly set yet still many images were out of sync, I feel this may be because of how easy the flash settings are to bump.

I experimented with sound on the movie I had made from the footage I took through my old digital cameras viewfinder. My tutor pointed out that it looked like super 8 film, which is something I am going to look into. I have two audio files, one recorded by my friend for her own project of me speaking about the most pivotal moment in my life, I started by talking about my parents bed and them telling me about moving and how that in someways it seemed like a less intense precursor for the death of my best friend which was what I mostly spoke about in the track. I had wanted the audio in the first place as I realised I never said how I felt, I said what I did and how "I never scream, but I screamed for hours into the bedsheets" rather than verbalising the emotions in words. The other audio track I made was tapping noises that mimicked traditional ASMR triggers. However, during today's mini critique my group informed me it already had a hypnotic quality and felt it didn't need the audio. I also feel after having had listened to both the audios over the video that it doesn't need audio in order for it to be more effective, I also feel in combining such personal audio (which I don't think I am comfortable sharing with a wider audience to begin with) with motions of people working with their hands it is very jarring and takes away from the hypnotic element of the video. I would like to explore whether it is even possible to combine hypnotic video with something as jarring and emotional of a narrative, if it was I would imagine it to be very conflicting.

I laid out my vases and materials I had bought for my staged photos and now I need to order wall paper to finish off the shot. The rest of the materials I have with the exception of Pepsi Max and biscuits for the table. I will shoot this tomorrow or next week during class once I have the wall paper.

During the mini critique, I noticed in projecting the video for the first time, the movement of my phone camera against the viewfinder made the video look as if it was moving around the screen, one of my peers said it reminded her of experimental film, specifically the work of an artist called Malcolm Le Grice called Little Dog for Roger, she said it was similar to the two lines of film that experimental film makers would combine that would sometimes overlap and move. My tutor said she actually felt the movement wasn't necessary. I found this fascinating as it had been the very thing everyone else had commented upon positively. I plan to use Premier Pro's image stabiliser to minimise this to see whether the video would be stronger. I was also told aesthetically the process is hard to guess and had she not seen me making the film felt she would feel the same, the cracks in the viewfinder reminded her of voyeurism as the film forces you to look. She also felt she had a bias in understanding the art room and felt the film would be less successful out of the confines of the art room where it was filmed in front of another audience. However, she did point out if I was not concerned with the art room being relevant than this would be okay (which I am not) because it will have the hypnotic quality regardless, she also thought the video would be more effective it it dove directly into the intimate hand movements rather than the further out ones which become closer, though feedback from another group member counteracted this. Both agreed they liked the length (its around 3 minutes). I feel what makes the video most successful is there are several shots which are highly effective and have a very aged, film like quality. One of my peers commented on the shot of a classmate holding the brush centre to the footage was her favourite angle and it is the most effective in her mind, this has sparked the idea of making a work that is made up of only this shot as I think I have at least 10-15 seconds I could loop.

I also realised when explaining my project that touch (as in the novel 'Touch') is a shared emotion that can express without the presence of other body language, moreover, this is exclusive to shared emotions such as happiness and sadness, not self serving emotions such as pride. Which makes obvious that touch and intimacy is a shared, desire the desire lying within all individuals for themselves.

I will be projecting my film next week downstairs where I will be able to move it along the wall, onto the floor and the ceiling. The room downstairs is far more easier to project in, the lighting is more consistent and there is the flexibility to move the projector around, this is something that the overhead in the classroom does not allow for.

Overall, today was highly successful in learning more about working with concrete. I was able to look through more new photos and plan to collage them next week, I have decided not to use audio with my hands video. I have a plan to figure out how best to display both my movie and my concrete sculpture as this is something I have in the past neglected. I also have almost all the materials to begin staging my photographs, I now need to contact my friends about modelling for me. There are still many leads I have left for this project and I am hoping if I pursue them that over the next weeks the rest will fall away and the most successful work will undergo refinement. I imagine that it will ultimately lead more towards photography as I have ordered a medium format camera and overall my interactions within sculpture seem like props for photographs.

I worked with projection for the entirety of the day. The intention had been to collect the digital projectors to project my video (of the hands through the digital camera viewfinder rig) in the dark of the project space. It would have also allowed me to move the projector around more freely compared to the mounted projector in the painting studios, again, giving control over the distance/size of the projection in turn.

Seeing as the projector was unavailable, I altered my plans for the day and set to work with a more analogical approach. This involved collecting my period piece blouse, glasses, dishes, bowls and ornaments. They are all very similar in browns, yellows, oranges and creams. Very similar to the childhood memories I have at my extended families houses and the segment in the documentary I watched and researched about British home living over the years. I also has spoken to my mum about what she most remembered from her childhood and she said in terms of colour, burnt orange was big. This also resonated with me as my grandmother has changed very little of her furniture since my mother was a child.

I collected a slide projector from the painting studio instead and used its light to illuminate my props. I began experimenting by moving tables and chairs to change the placement of the slide projector to increase and decrease shadows. I took a few images on my SLR and to save film, I also took photos through the viewfinder of my camera with my phone. I liked how the light metre was visible in the shots and there is a thick black boarder around the composition which makes it look like a 16mm film still.

I then laid out the white table cloth onto a table and all the period piece ornaments I had bought from charity stores. I continued to experiment with composition until the table had a cluttered and lived in feel, this feels significant to me as often at family gatherings we are all over one another seeing as there are so many of us. The entire photo reminded me of the work of Richard Billingham in his book Ray's a Laugh, which has been a large inspiration for me in this project. 

Despite my various attempts on eBay, Amazon and Gumtree to find any reasonably priced and usable wall paper, I still came up empty. During class I decided to check the charity store nearby as in part 2 I had bought a white sheet from their and remembered them having a large range of fabrics. I found a heavy doona cover for 5 pounds with orange floral patterns that seemed ideal considering the painting I had made myself (it was too messy and distracting for me to have used it as a background in my staged shoot) due to its similarity. it was also double sided so one side had less colour than the other and despite my intention of making an over saturated shoot, I figured if I needed to reduce the intensity of the oranges and yellows, this would be the fastest was (just by flipping the sheet to the predominantly white side).

Using the hook in the wall in the photo studio, I mounted one side to the hook and the other to the ladder. Seeing the set in full with the background made final compositional adjustments easier since I could see everything together. My tutor, Hannah, had come down to speak to the students using the photo studio and when she came to me, pointed out that using a slide projector light runs the risk of blowing the bulb and showed me how to use the studio lights. I had been placing orange sheets of acetate in front of the projector earlier, so Hannah helped me to tape them onto the studio lights and give the entire shoot an orange, sunny glow (very comparable to the hot Australian summers I remember from when I visited my Nan's). 

My PPP touches on my insomnia and the irony in my parents telling me bad news on their bed. However, I had thought to make this set bedroom like, I realised the scale of the materials I needed was unrealistic and settled on dining as it is very close to my families heart. I am from a big family and we always eat and drink together, everyone in my family drinks Pepsi Max accept my own parents and my sister. I can't remember a time I have visited anyones house and they haven't had it. Whenever I would visit my grandmothers house there was always biscuits or so many different varieties. She is very much a feeder. Whenever I have been upset and at her house, she always wants to feed me. Even when I'm not hungry and it is something I associate with her when I think about her house. The period piece shirt I am wore in the shoot is so similar to one she owns and in many ways I have seen myself appearing like a younger version of my grandmother for this reason. I went to Tesco's to buy Pepsi Max and cream filled biscuits for the shoot.

I had Ollie sit in the dining table seat within the set so I could focus the camera properly, as she is of a similar height to me I assumed that her natural placement of her hands on the table would allow me to put them into primary focus. I then set the camera to self-timer and took about 12 shots of myself eating and drinking, I feel uncomfortable in front of the camera so I think this is why I placed the camera in a way that it cut off below my nose and primarily focused on my hands, as I could have still had the primary focus on my hands without having had to crop sections of my face out and in retrospect should have taken at least one of my whole body sitting. The major difficulty in staging very specific images yourself is that though you can achieve exactly what you are visualising in terms of the subjects perspective, you are rather limited on the compositional front beyond resting the camera on tables and chairs. If I was to do this over I think I should employ a friend to help me by sitting for me as I am concerned when developed the images I have captured will be of a very tradiotnal compositional format, unlike my candid photos which means they are less likely to seem potentially candid as in the work of Hannah Starkey.

I broke my concrete sculpture from the concrete workshop out of its mould today. It took me about 3+ hours to remove the plastic and clay from the sculpture. The clay had been used to seal the plastic in place, it kept the concrete from running to the bottom of the mould. This took quite a long time to remove as it had semi-hardened over the course of a week and a half. Since the plastic was from a failed vacuum form and I had remoulded it into waves, folding over itself, there was many parts in which there was concrete taking up more volume that other parts of the mould; meaning it couldn't just be wriggled off. Using the heat gun and a pair of pliers, I had to reheat the tightest sections to loosen it or using a metal beam I would wedge the underside of the plastic and attempt to break off bits of the plastic. Eventually once I had the sculpture freed I looked at the marbling effect the various paint colours in the concrete had had and the areas that felt incredibly smooth (presumably because there was no oxygen and the plastic was clean on that side) allowed for a polished concrete effect. The sculpture as a whole appeared a lot like bedsheets, this wasn't entirely intentional but is unsurprising as I have been looking at sheets as a material to print my photos onto of recent and image it had unconsciously influenced me.

Following my tutorial feedback, I am very aware the biggest factor limiting the growth of my work is my failure to take ownership of my images along with my minimal attention to presentation. I am still learning that the work is not complete when it is printed but rather when the decisions involving its presentation have been made, often this can really strengthen the success of a piece. 

I have printed and mounted photographs onto my entire wall. This has given me a better idea of the breadth of images I have to work with. So far there are several more successful images that stand out, namely an image of two of my class mates with one cutting the others hair and a few images of working hands in the studio.

I recently had a very vibrant vision whilst awake, my eyes were closed but the intensity of the image made it feel as real as what I could see when I opened my eyes. It showed a vibrant red hand holding a much softer and paler hand. The red was not an angry tone however, the hand seemed gentle, the red just gave it a luminous quality. I have attempted to paint this, in addition, after speaking to Hannah, I have realised it would make more sense to photograph this image and for that reason I painted my own hand red and began photographing it. It would have been more practical to have painted another hand so I could have more control over my camera but this is something I will note for next time.

Coming out of my tutorial, I have completely readapted my 'game plan' for the rest of part 3. This started with dissembling my projector.

After speaking with my tutor, I have come to accept the strength in my work lies in the photographs I take. Their compositional strength, colour and form makes them effective/ successful images and makes most sense for me to focus my creative energy in this direction.

The sooner I complete necessary experiments into tinkering (namely my projector and the heat transfer sheets I heat gunned onto a bed sheet (the images were of people sleeping which I made this morning, the heat gun was very interesting as you could see the transfer reveal itself as it bonded with the surface, the releasing process itself was more interesting than the outcome as the reveal gave control over the viewers exposure to the narrative) the sooner I can progress on with my current work. However, these bits and bobs I am making hold relevance in the execution of my video and film, in attaching digital cameras by their view finder to my phone to bypass the issue created in the zoom only working when the camera is not recording so I can record it more practically onto my phone and using plastic bags over my flash to soften its intensity that otherwise creates white washing. My research is going well, however, I could work on identifying between my own writing and that of my sources. My reflection are incredibly personal which is relevant to my project however, I could choose to share less if I wished (I don't, I find this space very helpful in understanding my ideas) and would benefit from a summary paragraph to tie in the successes of my technical work more specifically. 

During class today, I replaced the several individual sheets of paper with one continuous sheet of white paper. I also refined the nail that was holding the string which allowed the rotation of the projector to a screw which had a wider head which reduced the amount the projector would unclip from the nail edge.

Using a continuous sheet of paper has allowed for more cohesive projections of light, this is annunciated when the lights are dimmed as the light travels further. The uninterrupted body of light is more effective than the separated sheets as it feel like one projection, rather than 4 separate projections. This looks interesting as a 'light painting' so to speak but it does little to communicate the images I take and this is becoming apparent to be despite my desire to continue to built the projector. I am becoming aware of my tendency to build things to justify the strength of my images because I don't appreciate photography as being a strong enough medium in my own mind and am having difficulty coming to terms with it being the natural direction my work is taking at this point.

I will be purchasing a brighter globe as during the day time it isn't as strong as I'd like, that or I need to built a sheet room in which to view the projection during the day. I suppose that would connect well to one of my earlier works in which I built a tent inspired by my childhood.

I had several people tell me that my projector was delicate and mesmerising/ visually pleasing to look at. This is very important to me as the theme of ASMR and relaxation style videos is very much an inspiration behind my work. Though it does concern me that the other messages of my work might not be communicated however, this early in the making stage of the project it is probably more relevant to work in the direction my work naturally grows rather than being concerned about the outcome.

I shot 2 whole roll of film in class today, I was given permission to take photo of peoples' hands working. These photos are candid still but I feel the control of the environment makes it closer to bridging towards staged photography. After speaking to one of my tutors, I felt I was being suggested to look more into my candid photography as they felt it was my most effective work. However, I still feel the need to pursue staged photography as I haven't ever had the opportunity to shoot staged and feel without examples of how this could be visualised I am limiting myself creatively.

I addition to the red and orange acetate on my 'carousel projector' I have added yellow which breaks up the harshness of the burnt colours.

I experimented with the plastic moulding sheets (a transparent one) and a heat gun after using one at the concrete workshop. I also added a fluorescent yellow A4 acetate sheet which melted far faster than the clear plastic sheet and made many very interesting crumpling patterns which I felt would be interesting to project, however when I tried this I was very disappointed to find it had minimal impact when projected and looked more like a poor disruption of the projection than something that made it more successful.

Again I extended the projectors arms to the right hand side which is making it more of a 180 view and allows the protections to run up the side of the papers where it is larger and grows more concentrated in the middle where the globe is closer to the paper.

I feel I learnt a lot more than I expected at the concrete workshop. I experimented with the heathen in melting plastic sheets which I used at the old for my concrete. I'd like to use this in my projection.

My SD card arrived in mail (128mb, which is the most my camera takes) so I can start shooting in class tomorrow. 

I was looking at my projector and want to make the thread mount neater, maybe hang it from a nail until the music box comes so it looks neater. I don't intend on making it any neater as I prefer the exposed surfaces.

I am starting to realise I have a tendency to make sculptures that serve purpose, such as my phone attached to the viewfinder of my camera. These sculptures (inventions and tinkering) serve menial purpose that could be more easily completed than how it has been (and with more accuracy) like my projector. There is a heavy presence of DIY culture in current work.

The concept of bridging painting and photography has been something I've been working towards. There seems to be a material separation at the current moment, I am wanting to depict painting within my photography (in addition to its apparent cinematic and painterly qualities) and display this work (or create it) using sculpture that serves a menial task. An example of this is my projector.

I have painted a background featuring 70's style flowers in burnt orange which reminds me a lot of my mums childhood (which has in someways feels it is in someways my own as she has shared so much of it with me). These colours still speckle the houses of my relatives. I painted the staged wall in lose style, it was painted upon a 2 metre long, 1 metre wide piece of canvas I had written a passage of text upon in charcoal. I had a friend remark that it reminded her of a bedroom wall, which is a positive considering I am still figuring our how to bring in that element to my work. The text was written in December, about my sexuality and how I was feeling at the time. I had folded it up and only seen it again for the first time in about 3 months when I painted on it. For this reason I hung it upside down. I didn't want people to be able to read it. What I am enjoying about this is many people try to do so, someone recommended I type it out and have a transcription to the side. I am going to consider this but am unsure whether it is the direction I want to take my project.

I replaced the sheet I had hung on my projector with papers, I also extended the arm to the left as when I had tested it at night the projections dimly reached surrounding walls and warped into different shapes which I found very interesting.

I had the realisation I was more interested in working with colour at this point in time than form, the projector was primarily showing the orange of the film and the blue end of the roll, so, I have cut out sections and replaced them with a stronger orange and red in acetate. I like that when spun, the projector has a small 5cm-ish gap from the paper which shows the colour more clearly but is very difficult to put you head in the right place to see. When the light, the film and the paper line up it works, I like that if one was to be missing it would no longer. 

I had a conversation with my tutor which is what drove me to use paper and the projection was far clearer, I will be replacing it with one continuous sheet of paper when I come back into class tomorrow.

What would happen if i physically touched the sensitive film as a medium?

I need to hire a tripod to film the projector in action for LUX, this is something I will do in the coming week.

Today was the beginning of my more physical making, since I'm working with film, it often feels very distant from the outcomes I have on hand. This is because film takes time to develop and though the action of pressing the shutter feels fast to me the turn around time isn't. I shot an entire roll of film today after my tutor got the classes permission for me to take working candids, I am still in the perusal of staged photography however, this just seems like an appropriate beginning into the physical symbol of touch (hands) which is almost all I photographed. The fact the subjects were making also exacerbates my recent interest in working class and a more hands on job like that of my father when I was a child and my entire extended family.

I set to work today building my projector, I stayed up late last night sketching out prototypes and ended up going with the most simplistic for ease of material use and aesthetic appearance. It is important to me that my projector has a calming appearance as to carry along the relaxation which accompanies intimacy. I started with the light bulb and switch set I salvaged from my first sculpture work before specialisation, I mounted this onto wood from the workshop and nailed it to the wall, as I began assembling the circular wire mobil, it occurred to me that the suspending strings from the wire would be affected by the hanging globe, this is because it is essential that the bulb is hanging just belong the wire mobil as to project the film. Using a roll of failed blank film, I ran it around the wire, I had tried to attach this using thread as I had to hang the wire, but it became apparent that it would be too time consuming to try and tie the thread at the same level the entire way around the wire and instead I puchased metal clips from the store. These have far more flexibility if I wanted to change the film reel. I have ordered a music box off eBay so my mobil will be wound from the music box and then spin using the handle as the motor. As a child music boxes were something I always had, especially the pink ballerina ones. I was more (and remain to be) interested in the mechanics of the box than the feminine and dainty aesthetics it exemplified. I added a second arm to the wall so the lightbulb could be attached below and this allowed the mobil to spin far more smoothly.

On the same arm the mobil was attached, I hung a white bedsheet I had bought (originally for the heat transfer sheets I have purchased to print photos onto and then onto the bedsheet) behind as the wall. The images it projected weren't perfectly communicated, but defiantly had painterly qualities, the light through the film created interesting forms and colours, it has become apparent to me that the forms and colours are arguably just important as the image if not more so for my project. I am trying to anchor myself to the colours that are strongest in my mind, that I most associate with my home and my tastes informed by my parents upbringing and its effect on me.

 The projector I have built so far is very haphazard in appearance, this is partially because it was erected in a day, also because the way I work is very impulsive. I also think this is why photography is such a good fit for me at the moment, when I paint I sit for one session alone and finish works. I find it very difficult to continue painting once a moment and the associated feelings have passed. Photography solves this issue in that it is instant and serves as documentation (so it is captured forever and it can not be fully forgotten or lost, something I have always done is kept notes to make sure I never forget but I have also become more obsessed with visual documentation since the passing of my friend because the closest I remain to him is the videos I have) in the same way painting had before, but without the time issue. I like the imperfections of the machine I have made, there is an idea in science that the perfect machine would be 100% efficient and in basic terms: would run forever, this doesn't interest me, what I am currently making is for now, it has not pertinency in my mind to anything more than that.

I was experimenting with flash over the research week with my slr, I was unsure of how it would work in terms of the outcome. When I received my film back all the pictures I had taken with the flash had a black band along the top, I was doing some research into why and its all about flash speeds in relation to when the two curtains of the shutter open. However, I also realised that many of these flash photos have a wonderful 'dream' like quality about them and for that reason I am going to learn more about flash speeds and the various effects in my project.

The light metre in my camera has also begun working again after I thought it to be broken which means I have far more control over my images.

I saw a photo taken on the same camera as mine but with a much lower ASA, I am planning on exploring the film speeds more in capturing motion, this has been a bit of a hit and miss so far as I can't see the images until they develop and in addition, I have more experience working on a DSLR and am use to a digital display that flashes the ISO and conditions. Working on an SLR means I have to remember to change the light metre in a more manual way that doesn't remind me if its unchanged unlike my DSLR. 

The black bars that have come up in my flash photos have given me an idea in relation to sleeping. Often, with the age of my flash and still learning how to use something with very minimal (but sensitive settings) I and up with black bars because of my flash being out of sync with my shutter. For a while I had been setting my flash to match the wrong information on my camera rather than the ASA which explains my errors with the black bars in the last roll I developed but I found after shooting today I had knocked the dial and again shot on the wrong speed. Though, I am hoping these black bars on the images I have been taking of my sheets when I wake up at night replicate 'sleeping' periods between my night disturbances which will tie in my collage element and motif of sleeping in my project.

I spent most of today correcting my PPP in terms of its grammar and flow. I also spent an apreciable amount of time sketching out my plans for a hand made projector, i have a feeling though this might remain as a concept rather than in reel, I had an idea to shoot an entire roll of film, depicting memorable moments from dreams, the real after. In between these photos I will take a photo every time I wake up at night to connect them to real time, then when I have them developed I can ask for them to be uncut so I can run it though a projector, which I intend to make myself. I have the intention of ordering some DC motors, bulbs and basic 9 volt battery wiring kits to make it myself. I have some experience in this area as when I was 13 I would built machines such as iPhone projectors and light circuits all the time, I am feeling comfortable enough in this project and my own practise to begin making things that would have felt 'trivial' to have made before my foundation and to be considered art by others. The type of device I see in my mind is not scientifically or mathematically accurate, it will have a very hand-made quality which ties very well into my concept of intimacy (as physical touch) and the working class quality which is becoming a more frequent concept in my work. I had the realisation today that my families working class background is why I have such a connection with out-dated decor and colours in comparison to present day as my family comes from the working class and though I am less so, my parents were. Older colours and design are prominent in my parents lives and my own in turn as my grandmother has always had very dated but well kept pieces of the past that have captivated me from a young age. I interviewed my mum today about what colours and things she remembers well from her childhood and she said very hot days with watermelon and the colour burnt orange. Her childhood seems so vibrant in my mind, the film photos of her from that day show this idea also as cheaper rolls of film are often more saturated.

During class today we started by talking to other students about our concepts and ideas. A member in my group pointed out my concept was very similar to that of Tracey Emin in that I managed to describe elements of my project that involved death without any emotions regarding myself, which emphasis' how much they must have hurt because the pain of losing someone is obvious. Though I really appreciate this in validating my lack of need for text and such, I don't particularly like the idea that what stuck with her most is the death of my friend. I suppose it is the most intense and it is bound to come up again in my work (as it has in the past), I am more interested in how the outcome of his death impacted me than the passing of my friend. I really connected with Emin's work as it seemed so similar in serving as documentation in her recent exhibit at the White Cube. I have a passage of text I wrote many months ago that is so similar to that of what she wrote about a heartbeat feeling further away and the dreams fading. I know I want to photograph recreations of dreams, I am only interested in this for the feelings and actions it provoked in the real. I had a dream my friend was holding my hand, I woke up holding a bedsheet and telling my mum he was holding my hand. I had a dream I had sexual relations with a girl years ago, it made me very uncomfortable in my identity simply because I wasn't opposed to it. I am interested in what comes after, both dreams relate to touch. Both dreams take place in beds (more obviously) and indirectly my insomnia, I woke up after both dreams immediately. I wonder if shooting on a roll of film as if it was a dream would work? Making an entire reel, with photos taken of me waking up during the night in real time (perhaps inspired by the hall of sleeping selfies at Emin's exhibit)  and having it developed without being cut, then rolling through a hand made projector, in a way that would never project quite square and is rather rustic in assemblage. I am wanting to shoot video on an old film camera which I am currently sourcing on eBay. I am also ordering heat transfer sheets to print sleeping photos onto bedsheets (regular printers don't print white which means against the white sheet it will appear very connected I think).

After having seen Tracey Emin's exhibit in the White Cube at Bermensy, I have felt inspired to use audio. The video "How it Feels" from 1996, gives context to the entire exhibit. I like the idea of creating work that is conceptually rich and communicates concepts and concerns clearly but to also have audio that fully crystallises the concepts. Especially being that my concepts are tied to personal experiences and would lend themselves well to story telling. I have to tell my story every day to myself when I wake up to justify the guilt I feel and to anyone who asks what happened to Adam, I have to explain my sexuality often if it becomes a blockade in conversation because people always assume you to be one way. I deal with these stories daily because they are my life.

I have been recording my thought process for many months when I have been stuck to understand the breadth of my concepts. When I am overwhelmed I also record my thoughts when I am overwhelmed, so I think it will be natural for me to record this. 

You notice things more acutely when something that causes anxiety happens, I use to memorise the grooves and bite patterns of peoples teeth before I had orthodontic work because it scared me. I notice suicide warning posters, predict character suicides in TV shows and notice self harm scars than anyone else I know. It's what I remember most in each day, the week he had died everything online seemed to revolve around suicide or death, it always had and I had always been sensitive to it. However, in the same way Tracey speaks about anniversaries of her abortion or when her child might have been born, I do with Adam and with anything surrounding suicide. 

I want to bring my acute memory of moments before and after Adam died, in the movie To the Bone, Eli's sister points out that when she looks at prom photos she just thinks about how it was when he sister was hospitalised, using a traumatic timeline in replacement of the exciting moments she should remember differently. 

Today marks the beginning of part 3, after having heard feedback from my tutor about my concept I feel I am more ready to approach my reading week in an effective way. Primarily, I was told to deduce my part 1 of the template into a shorter chunk of text, as well as part 2. I have many new terms to research such as Queer Theory, more reading into insomnia in relation to ADHD, touch as a sensation, the release of oxytocin in individuals with ADHD, identity suppression and colour theory and meaning. 

 I have begun reading into texts understanding the relation of ADHD and oxytocin, apparently it allow you to function better in society. This makes sense to me as I think many individuals quality of life is improved the presence of oxytocin (released during intimacy).

I recently believed I had lost my laptop (thinking I had left it on a bus), I was incredibly distraught. Thankfully I hadn't and it was in my possession for the 3 hours I ran around trying to look for it. What did stick with me was how I reacted, I was acting calm around the people I had to speak to, but I found myself internalising my fear and anger towards losing it. I realised I didn't care about my laptop, it could be replaced but rather the impact it would have on my parents perspective of me. I had expressed interest in moving overseas years before I did, there were moments I would screw up majorly, leaving a camera overseas and having it transported back to us whilst travelling. I remember my father saying "how could you live by yourself if you can't take care of your camera?". I am good at losing things to the extent I am afraid to say I might have. I had expected my mother to use it as an excuse for me to come home. I associate this fear with losing an object which is entirely replaceable (despite its value). Within my project this is something I would like to look into, I was listening to a podcast called Objects of Desire and a professional at University College London had said it was possible to love an object because of associated meaning. I wear 2 necklaces everyday, 1 belonged to my friend who passed away, I had given it to him. The other I had bought to match, it use to physically pain me to take it off.

Within the context of my project, I wonder whether it is possible to communicate some of my concepts around touch (intimacy) to an object. More specifically within intimacy: sexuality, insomnia, ADHD, ASMR and suppression in relation to grief. Moreover, the physical object of a bed (or bedding) as a vessel for these concepts. In my PPP draft, I had written that my parents have chosen to tell me bad news on their bed, which is suppose to be calming in their mind- its ironic with my insomnia. I wonder how I can use the symbolism of a bed or bedding to communicate these ideas. Projection onto a bedsheet sounds like a possibility but I would like to take it more into the 3D. Especially in recreating the moments I remember from what my parents told me, I would like them to appear tangible- to exacerbate the lack of touch. These are my thoughts for the moment.